


here is the deepest secret nobody knows

by stupidwolves



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-17 23:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidwolves/pseuds/stupidwolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a moment of silence, and Kendall knows he said the wrong thing, knows it the very second the words left his mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	here is the deepest secret nobody knows

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on a prompt from damnitrenee, [here](http://stupidwolves.tumblr.com/post/54548180680/damnitrenee-kendall-and-james-as-8-year-olds). i just took it and ran with it.

   (The thing is – it’s been only him, Katie and his mom for a while now, since the day his dad left them and never once called to check in on how they were doing. And he’s been fine with it; really, it’s not like his dad hated him, or even loved him less. And Kendall’s been so, _so_ sure he’d come back one day that he didn’t predict his mom going out on a date.)

   “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” James sighs, puts a hand on Kendall’s shoulder and doesn’t let go even when the blond stares at him, “can’t we just stay and play? I bet you it will be way cooler than chasing your mom and that guy around.”

   Kendall shrugs the hand off, and the determination on his face tells James he already lost that argument. “I don’t know who that guy was, what if he’s bad? I just want to know if my mom is going to be okay. C’mon, we can play all you want later.”

    _You’re just scared he could be your new dad, aren’t you_ , James doesn’t say it, but he’s sure Kendall knows that’s what he’s thinking the moment their eyes meet for a brief moment. The brunet huffs and his shoulders slump, defeated, and follows Kendall into his room.

   (The thing is – he doesn’t need, doesn’t _want_ a new dad. He may be eight, but he’s already the man of the house – his mom said so – and he takes that duty seriously. He takes care of Katie – Katie who will never know how their dad was really like, with a laugh that filled the entire room when something amused him, the way his shoulders went up and down along with it, his eyes watering because it was so goddamn easy find something he’d find funny. He doesn’t know who the other man is, doesn’t know the way he laughs, doesn’t trust the man to carry him around on his shoulders so easily, like Kendall was a lightweight and not an eight year old, doesn’t trust him to take care of Katie, and, most of all, doesn’t trust him around his mom.)

   Kendall barricades the door with his toy’s trunk, and makes his way to the window. James is only halfway through getting outside, and Kendall is already stomping his foot, glancing around to check if someone (the babysitter, maybe) is coming. When James stops by his side, Kendall smiles and grabs his wrist, and there’s no protest over it, he just follows. He’s not sure where they’re going, but Kendall’s so determined to find his mom, it makes James for a second before he decides to stop, making Kendall almost fall on the ground.

   “James!” Kendall pushes his arm swiftly, but James doesn’t seem to notice it.

   “Kendall!” James mimics him, ignoring the exasperation growing in the blond. "Can we not, you know, stalk your mom when she's on a date? Let's just go back and you can ask her about it later, I'll even help you with the whole _I don't like this guy_ thing."

   "I can't, James," Kendall snaps, turning away from his friend, "you don't know how it is. I don't want a new dad."

   There's a moment of silence, and Kendall knows he said the wrong thing, knows it the very second the words left his mouth.

   "Well, I didn't want a new mom, but my dad got me one anyway," he's mumbling the words, but Kendall feels them like a punch in the gut.

   (The thing is — all James' life, his parents were divorced, and he didn't know any other reality. He's asked his mom about, but only got a "not now, sweetie, mom's busy" in response, and his dad just told him to stay quiet and keep playing with his toys. After that, he learned some things were better off not known. He was okay with that, really, as long as they didn't date anyone else, didn't add strangers to their _not really, not yet_ broken family. And then his dad screwed everything up when he brought a girl way too young for him into James' carefully planned family map.

   It was his biggest nightmare, and the worst part was he couldn’t even wake up.)

   Kendall looks back at him and the guilt stings more than he thought it would. He laces his fingers around James' wrist, turning him towards his house.

   "Okay, you won."

******

   (The thing is — Kendall was never supposed to fall for his best friend. He was never supposed to think about how great James was at singing, wasn't supposed to think about the way his eyes looked brighter when he fantasized about his future, wasn't supposed to feel proud when James picked him first to be his partner in school projects, wasn't supposed to have his heart beating faster just because of their proximity or the secret looks they shared, and, above all, wasn't supposed to feel jealous when James told him about his first girlfriend. Kendall's only fifteen; he shouldn't know many things, yet.

   Yet he loves James.)

   James keeps going on and on about the girl, and Kendall can feel the pang in his heart every time James smiles when he talks about a funny moment he and his girlfriend shared. He doesn't like it, the fact that James' so head over heels with her that he's been spending considerably less time with Kendall, and that just doesn’t sit well with him. They should be doing stuff together, _James and Kendall_ , like it always has been, not James and what's-her-name. It's not that he hates her — if James likes her, she can't be that bad —, he just hates the fact that he doesn't have James undivided attention.

   "This is so fucking stupid," he breathes out, and James stops, looking insulted.

   "I'm sorry, what was that?" Kendall knows he heard him perfectly clear – James has trained his ears to pick up basically any different tone, his or anyone else's, just to improve the nuances in his voice. His jaw is set, and Kendall knows he shouldn’t repeat it, but.

   But he’s bitter and angry and young, a stupid boy that doesn’t know better than to act on impulse.

   "I said," he leans in, a weird rush of satisfaction going through him as he repeats the words, "this is so fucking stupid. James, I'm sorry, but why are you even dating that girl?"

   "Her name is Amy," he grits out, shoulders tensing, "I really like her, and we're dating because we have a lot of things in common."

   "Oh, _really_?" Kendall's voice goes an octave higher, and he steps away from James, and his hands are trembling slightly, but he shoves them into his pockets, doesn’t want James to notice it. "Does she like to sing? Does she play pranks on her neighbors just because she's bored? _Actually_ , can she play pranks at all? Does she know about the secret place you go when you're upset and don't want to deal with anyone? And, oh, does she even play hockey? I doubt you can play hockey with her, I bet she doesn't even know how to skate that well."

   If there's something Kendall never expected James to do was punch him, and yet.

   Yet the blow is hard and precise, and he tumbles back, and his back meets the wall. Kendall’s look is of pure disbelief. He pushes James away and walks forward, ignoring the burning pain from his heart.

   (The thing is — Kendall wasn't supposed to say any of that, and he blames the heat of the moment, the way James looked like when he talked about her, the fact that he wished that kind of smile was just for him, even if he knew that wouldn't happen. Not now, not ever.)

   He hits James right back, and soon they're trading fists and feet with each other, and Kendall wants to scream, wants to cry, and also wants to kiss James more than everything. James is feral when he fights, and Kendall isn't one to back down from a challenge. He tries to give James a head-butt, but hits the brunet's cheek. James's fingers reach Kendall's hair, and he pulls them, hard.

   "So what if she doesn't know my secret place or doesn't play hockey or doesn't sing just as well as you or me?" James pins Kendall on the floor, his head just inches above his friend's. "I mean, if I wanted that, I'd date you instead!"

   And all at once, Kendall's world stops. He takes in the redness in James' cheeks, the rising and falling of his chest, the emotions on his eyes, and his own fists balled up on James' shirt. Anything resembling anger leaves him immediately, and he feels like he's eight again, small and wrong about so, _so_ many things.

   "So why don't you date me?" The words are barely a whisper, and he doesn't flinch when James' eyes widen more than they probably should, doesn’t get up even when James does, doesn’t look up from where he is to follow James with his gaze.

   He screwed up. He knows it.

   (The thing is – James has been in love with Kendall since forever, but never quite knew the right way to express it. He always loved when the green of Kendall’s eyes got even brighter when he spoke about hockey, his passion when playing, how natural he looked as a leader, his laugh when he found something amusing, especially when James was the one who caused it, the way he shook his head to the side so his bangs wouldn’t get in the way of his eyes, the way his dimples made James heart skip a beat every time they showed up.

   Since day one Kendall quietly made his way into James’ heart and kind of forgot to leave.)

   Kendall doesn’t see the way the gears shift in James’ head, how his stance changes and his expression softens, gets more open. He also doesn’t notice when James walks closer, every step making his resolution grow stronger. He does notice when his friend sits next to him, and notices the determination in his eyes – greater than the one he had when they were kids and he was scared about a potential new dad, and James talked him out of ruining his mom date, which turned out to be a disaster, anyway.

   When he feels James' hand on his shoulder, he doesn't flinch, doesn't look away. He sits, dragging his legs to his chest and embracing them. James tugs him closer, his hand feeling warm and even comforting. Kendall swallows, and for the first time in his life, he doesn't know what James is thinking – it bothers him more than it should.

   James rests his hands on Kendall’s knees, gently lowering them. He gets closer, and when he bumps their foreheads together, Kendall can feel the warm breath over him. Just like every other moment Kendall felt nervous, he feels the need to laugh, can feel it coming, bubbling it up on his stomach. Except he doesn’t, chance lost the moment James’ lips caught his. There’s a flash of thought in Kendall’s mind, wondering if it’s all a dream, before the kiss is over.

   It’s the way James is looking at him that assures Kendall it’s nothing but reality, and he feels the tightness in his chest leave immediately.

   He can feel James’ hand gripping the back of his neck, bringing him closer. Their lips meet again, tongues dancing around each other, and Kendall’s never been happier. His hand is resting on James’ hip, and James’ finger is tracing light circles on him skin. It’s soothing and Kendall smiles and gives pecks on James’ shoulders between kisses, and the brunet chuckles, reciprocating with small, affectionate bites on his neck.

   It was even better than everything Kendall dreamed of.

   (The thing is – they shared lazy kisses and quick kisses and hot kisses and loving kisses the whole afternoon, and, the next day, when James told Amy they wouldn’t work out, she laughed and said she guessed as much while she looked at Kendall, and gave them a wink before leaving them and going to class. James didn’t feel bad about her, he knew she was never really _that_ into him, just figured it wouldn’t be so bad if they tried, and now that they knew the result, they could be just friends, and that was fine for both of them. She got herself a new boyfriend, one that she was actually interested in, and James was with Kendall, finally.

   James couldn’t have asked for anything else – everything was perfect.)

**Author's Note:**

> if there are any grammar errors, please tell me! my first language isn't english, so i wouldn't be surprised if there was one.  
> anyway, i hope you liked this :D


End file.
